Election Sign Thieves.

An open letter to the person who stole my Hillary Clinton signs on highway 96, hear this: just like in 2008, you can steal my sign,  but you can’t steal my vote.  While those signs were hastily made with leftover crafts I gathered from my niece’s art kit and scrap wood I found in my step daddy’s shop, and thrown together on two separate snow days, I was fairly proud of them.

I was proud of my sassiness for believing that if my mother didn’t want me to use her road frontage mailbox, she wouldn’t have went back to her house in Florida and left us all here, ha!  And I was proud of having my mother’s artistic talent, where I can make something cute without even trying. Mostly, I was proud of my dedication to my civic responsibilities and of the fact that I look forward to elections the way my brother looked forward to a ball game — faithfully, every election cycle since I was a kid.

I’m proud that I was that political nerd watching Cokie Roberts with my Uncle Chunky and — my recent personal best, thank you very much — reading 147 books in 8 months out of the year so that I have no problem holding my own in a “be a dear, doll, and get me something to drink” conversation with any ‘get back in the kitchen’ type male,  and that there’s a little bit of him [Chunky] in every political text that I read. And largely, proud that when my inner dork exposes herself by making signs for mailboxes to celebrate the Iowa caucus and then the New Hampshire primary, that shows. And if you knew him, trust me,  you’d get that pride.

You stole our Obama sign in 2008. In fact, it took barb wire to keep you from getting the replacement. You stole the Obama signs of other citizens — yes, other elderly grandmothers — throughout the County then, also. You broke into the Democratic headquarters, if memory serves me correct. I don’t know if you’re the same person or even who you are, but I know this: Obviously your mother didn’t teach you any better. Shame on her.  Sill, didn’t you have a grandmother? Did you not grow up around anybody who told you that you don’t go on other people’s property and take stuff that’s not yours? And if you didn’t, allow me to apologize to you now for not having the luxury of learning what most of us learn in kindergarten — you don’t take what’s not yours. 

And, with that established, allow me to teach you another lesson anyone with an upbringing should have been subjected to, this:  people that steal often get bullets in their butt cheeks, son. And nobody feels sorry for them when they do. And that sometimes, you run across little girls like me, who no, don’t have weapons but what they do have is a baseball bat from a lifelong best friend who taught them how to swing it, coupled with being just the right height to land it in a place where you won’t walk so good for a while.

Now, I don’t expect anybody that goes on other people’s property and steals for the fun of it to have comprehension levels that would allow them to process printed words, but perhaps one of your friends could read it to you. Because as of this letter, residents campaigning for their candidate (on their own property) are going to be expecting you, thief.

I’m sure you’re riding around with your Confederate flag waving from your pickup truck
and talking about that human hemorrhoid riding the backside of America — Donald Trump — and that’s okay. You’re likely too busy stealing everyone else’s property to do anything that would make you a benefit to anyone else’s life or to better yourself in any way so that you can have an actual adult conversation with someone about  politics, so instead you steal their property, but just know this: while you’re recreationally riding around being a worthless migraine trigger to society, you truly succeeded in nothing. I’ve got more scrap wood, and coincidentally it probably has a higher IQ than you, and though the GOP has tried, they still haven’t succeeded in complete and total voter suppression, which brings me to reiterating my point. You can steal my sign but you cannot steal my vote.

Also, the Hillary headquarters is now open and I can get one there also, cowboy. * eye roll *

Donald Trump signs, Confederate flags, ‘keep your eyes on Jesus’ signs all seen to fare well.  But this is the second time I’ve attempted, as have others, to express our political preference and had that paraphernalia stolen off of our property. And to be honest,  I expected it. But it doesn’t keep me from being disappointed.  Unlike a struggling, sick, suffering drug addict who steals to support their habit or even a dishonest punk who steals your property simply to pawn it, you steal the election signs of candidates you are opposed to. You steal simply for the joy. And that’s almost too pitiful to process.

Also, I’ve enclosed pictures of the signs removed off of our Burns homestead on Saturday night. Not because I expect to get them back, but because I feel that somewhere there might be a decent person who is — my apologies to you — acquainted with someone common enough to steal an adult’s craft project, and laugh about it. If so, they can contact me at candi.c.mathis@gmail.com. Yes, I still have email.

Obviously,  I’m one of those old, uncool women that falls in Hillary’s demographic. And on that, while here, Bernie girls — quit making yourself sound ridiculous by saying, “I’m not voting for Hillary simply because she’s a female.” Nobody votes for Hillary because she’s a woman. They vote for Hillary Clinton because she’s a bad (insert three-letter expletive).

She’s only the most qualified presidential candidate in modern political history. The fact that she’s done so while wearing a bra just makes us want to rub it in the boy’s face. Because yes, anything you can do, we can do — and, just maybe, better. And her resume and life’s work proves that.  I will not attack a man I much respect, Sen. Sanders. But I’ve got a back seat full of books I’ll lend you — anybody — if you’d like to take any time to actually learn about her. Don’t, ladies, be as petty as these Fox News watching, faux- intelligent, “low information voter!” yelling, typically loudest voice in the room, so-called men are in their criticisms of Secretary Clinton.

We’re better than that. And as a woman, I will absolutely hold you to that standard.


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