Dear Vol Fans: Please Forgive Me!

Because I’m like a dude but a girl when it comes to shopping, I have a shirt for every team in the SEC that isn’t skanky. Which, naturally, means NO Florida or Alabama. Gross. (I’d rather give myself a coffee enema — whatever that means — than be caught dead in that shit. )

Seriously, I have hoards of SEC gear — even have a Missouri and Texas A&M shirt. Because I like to piss smart-ass men off by rooting for the team that’s playing against theirs in big games. It’s just fun.

It goes without saying, I have an entire collection of Titans, Cards and Vols. Everything I wear has a team on it. And I literally have gear for every respectable team in the SEC, a few Florida State shirts,  and even had a Big Ten shirt — until I realized that the family of Dana Patton (that die hard VFL married a Michigan fan)  would never talk to me again… because it was Ohio State (Hey, I bought it on vacation there!) 

But everybody knows it is a sin against God to wear any shirt on Saturday but Orange.

Still,  I have not done laundry.  Like, in foreeeeeever. So, I come out today wearing a Mississippi State tank top and told my aunt and my mom, “This never happened. And if
any of you ever tell anybody, I’ll swear to God you’re lying.”

But then I realized I’ve got to go get something to eat and a cup of coffee and I still don’t even have any clean clothes. And I saw three people I know. So, yes, I did drive thru with a Mississippi State shirt on and I don’t know what’s worse:  somebody thinking I’m not a Vol fan or somebody thinking I’m from  Mississippi.

I’m confessing my sins in order to pay my penance — I am wearing a tank top of another team on game day and if anyone decides to never speaks to me again, I completely understand, Vol fans. But in my defense (if there is one), I was planning on putting on my custom-made Jalen Hurd jersey for the game, I just didn’t want to sweat in it all day long. Cause I’m perspiring like a whore in church in this God-forsaken heat.

Can we get fall already?!


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