My Last Will and Testament

I wrote a Will years ago. I’ve been wanting to write a new one for a while.  Every time somebody related to me dies, or when somebody dies unexpectedly, I obsess over this. Especially since Nuna. I think, what would happen if one of these “I text and drive!” people plowed me over on the way to Dunkin Donuts. I wouldn’t want it to go the way I think it would go without a will.  And if anybody knows the hell of that, it’s me. So, I wrote one and I need some volunteers to sign it. Also, I thought maybe if you declare it in the land where nothing ever really dies — the internet — it would be archived in cyberspace.

It goes something like this:

I, Candice C Mathis, being of sane and sound mind, do declare this my last Wiill and Testament.

I request that with exception to the items listed below and those that my mother would like to keep for personal use, all of my personal property be sold along with any real estate or monies that I may own, and be divided among Savannah Mathis, Chloe Mathis, Avery Taylor, and Emily Taylor equally.

I request that Katie Mae Talley may choose any of my personal property that she would like to keep as her own.

I request my Lillian Russell bedroom suit to be given to Kaylee Dawn McKay.

I request my aunt Polly’s jewelry as well my own jewelry divided between Kennedy Reese Daily and Katie Mae Talley as they see fit.

And to Gordon Gray I leave my entire collection of books as well as my apologies for not having something better to leave him. He’s the only kid I know who reads. Better luck next time, kiddo.

I leave my cat, Chipper Jones, or any cat I may have at the time of my death to Avery and Emily Taylor because that’s the only way they’ll ever get a cat. If they decline, I leave my cat to my aunt Glenna.

I’ll leave any Tennessee Vols memorabilia I may have in my possession to my cousin, Tracy Taylor. Because, snark.

I leave my two cemetery plots to my mother. I also appoint my mother as executor over my estate.

Give my body to the Body Farm in Knoxville.  If there’s anything left of it when they get done playing murder with me, convert to ashes and toss off the Henley Street Bridge in Knoxville, Tennessee and Busch Stadium in St Louis, Missouri.

The end.

Candice C. Mathis


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