Stewart, SEC Football, and the Shitstorm of the RNC.

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I wanted so hard to laugh at the Republican convention this year. But it’s like those stories you hear about a dog that doesn’t know its owner is dead — that’s how I felt about the people in attendance. It was such a sad, pitiful sight that I took no joy in mocking them. They were just hanging around with adoration in their eyes and absolutely no idea that it’s over.

Vols, remember how we got to that place where Alabama fans didn’t even enjoy making fun of us anymore?  We were so bad it would almost be pitiful for a powerhouse such as that to pick on us. Instead, they just pat us on the back after losing to Vanderbilt, twice, and said, “You’ll be good again soon. Don’t worry. ”

That’s the clusterf*ck that was the Republican National Convention 2016.

You know, I would have guessed that I would be excited. But I wasn’t. Yet I spent all last summer fighting so hard against the idea that a major party in the United States of America could nominate Donald Trump for president. Because it makes us look bad. Really, globally, bad.

Much like nobody in the SEC likes for, say, Ole Miss to get their ass handed to them on the national stage of a bowl game after being one of the top rated teams in the country because it makes us all look bad — that was Donald Trump’s potential nomination. But when it became apparent that the Republicans were actually going to do this, I thought just that —  Let’s do this!

Because I was ready to take him down.

People were having so much fun with his joke of a candidacy until it turned serious, but the truth is –it’s never been funny to me.

Like many, I stopped laughing probably about the time he insulted John McCain.  While there was some sense of national outrage, there still a section of the Sarah Palin supporters that didn’t see anything wrong with mocking a war hero.  Or even worse, those who tried to defend it.

While his comments about Mexicans were disgusting, I wasn’t as offended because  — well, I mean, have you ever pissed off a Latina?

I figured my brown skinned brothers and sisters can take care of themselves, and when Donald Trump gets his ass kicked by a hombre in the parking lot one day when there’s no secret service detail around — perhaps he’ll think twice about what comes out of that loudly ignorant blow hole.

(Besides, Mexicans aren’t going anywhere! Wealthy men like Donald Trump would have to stop employing them and actually pay a fair wage. No, immigrants aren’t going anywhere. Particularly undocumented immigrants, because who would do the jobs we’re too lazy to do, or feed our fat asses — in small, Southern, immigrant-hating, Trump-supporting towns — tortillas?

Not that that is all Latinos do. Do not come for me, Rosie Perez.)

But I didn’t feel like a man who had already given so much to this country, John McCain, should have to take that kind of ridicule on a national stage.

So when it became inevitable, I was ready for it and I was ready for this convention. I was ready to laugh and mock and celebrate the fact that Hillary Clinton is about to hand him a nasty, potentially historic ass-whipping  similar to the one her husband put on Poppy Bush.

Then the convention happened.

And it was just sad. There wasn’t anything to laugh at. There wasn’t anything to make fun of. The highlight of the evening was, maybe,  the Trump children — but you know that they’re so of full of fabricated, speech-written horse manure about the ” generosity” of a man without a philanthropic bone in his being, that you could smell the bullshit stench all the way from Cleveland, Ohio, in Burns, Tennessee.

Perhaps Paul Ryan offered some sense of a realistic politician that I can make fun of, but he’s such a pansy-ass little weasel that squirms any time the Democrats give him a hard time, that all I could see was that political bitch slapping that he took from Joe Biden 4 years ago.

** yawn **

It was so disappointing from a comedic or politically satiric standpoint, that it took bringing Jon Stewart out of retirement to even find anything funny about it. (Who is so incredibly sexy — by the way — that he just makes me drool on myself and stare stupidly every time he speaks.)

Oh my God, Jon Stewart is hot. Hoooooot! Sweet baby Jesus, we missed you, Jon Stewart!

** wipes drool **

In the aftermath of the sadness of the letdown over something traumatically disappointing that I’ve been waiting for for a year, I feel like I should send conservatives a sympathy card. That shitstorm was televised and everybody in a pocketful of nations was watching it.

May you rest in peace, GOP.

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