Dear Pregnant People

Maybe it’s because I have the first name of a stripper or my middle name means “yes” in Spanish, but I learned in college that Candy, Mandy, Sandy, Brandy — no offense if that’s your name, but names from the 70s just suck — are stupid. The most interesting people you meet have family names, names that are important. You want your kid to sound like a corporation. Ex: Avery Hanna is excellent, that sounds like an expensive pocketbook designer.  Emily Reagan: equally excellent, sounds like a congresswoman. Briggs Mathis Albright: perfect, sounds like a law firm. They’re destined for greatness. Or in the South, you can do something fun like a double name: Katie Mae, Kaylee Dawn —  all good choices. It suggest you’ve read Tennessee Williams and know your William Faulkner cause you’re (cue: Mobile, Alabama accent) soooouthern.

Give your kids last names as first names and make them long. If they sound important, they’ll seem important, and then they’ll be important.   A  name like Candi — it’s a wonder I’m not on a pole somewhere. (Although that’s not actually my real name.)

And most importantly, don’t give your kid a name everybody else has and jack the spelling all crazy trying to be different or unique. This is ridiculous. As Candi with with an I, I’ve had to correct it from Candy my whole life.  That’s annoying enough, but necessary. However if you name your kid after Elvis Presley or John F Kennedy and spell it all crazy trying to pretend you didn’t, expect it to be misspelled their whole life.

In short,  when I adopt children from Syria and Africa, look for some variation of Roosevelt, Summitt, Manning, Chesney, Mandela, Clara. Like Ella or Rose — but the real name as Mandela or Roosevelt.

Get it?

Heed my warning, pregnant people: give your kids names with meaning or solid names. They’ll thank you for it.

If you’ve ever been to a frat party, you understand that.

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